I have always loved the French saying “tu me manques,” or in the English translation, I miss you. In the English language we say I miss you as an expression of sadness because of the absence of a friend or someone we love. However, “tu me manques” in the French translation signifies a deeper expression of feeling, meaning you are missing from me. As if you’re a physical and vital necessity to one’s being- you are a part of me.
This saying came to me as my nieces stopped by yesterday and I wasn’t allowed to hold them, touch them, or even kiss their tiny cheeks. “Six feet apart” repeated through my mind like an awful chorus stuck on a loop, like a song I wanted to shut off. I felt overwhelmed by reality, sadness, and anger, which I seem to frequently be cycling through. Of course I understand why it’s safer for me to hear stories about their day six feet away, but all I wanted was them in my arms, like they had been just weeks before.
(As I type this tears are filling my eyes, and that’s okay. I feel it’s important to note this to acknowledge I’m still very much overwhelmed and realize it may take trying again every day to process and understand this new world around me, at least what it is for now.)
I miss hugs. I miss laughter together. I miss weekly dinners together and Tuesday game night. I miss loving and living without thinking. Maybe that sounds reckless, maybe even selfish, but it’s the truth. My truth at least. Because one day it all just stopped, and I wish I had hugged a little tighter, or stayed a little longer, but I can’t. Not for now at least.
I don’t know how long we will live this way, six feet a part, and that’s what overwhelms me the most. That’s the “elephant thought” for me. The thought that, in an instant, can make my chest feel like a resting place for thousands of pounds of elephant body. That’s the thought I have to make myself stay away from, because God didn’t give me the power to fix a pandemic, but He did give me a promise that I could trust Him always.
To be honest, each day arises new feelings, new worries, and to say I’ve fully postured myself at His feet to surrender to peace isn’t the truth, but I’m hoping that in documenting these feelings I’ll finally make it to the resting place for my spirit.
The good news is that God still is faithful in pursuing me every day. I feel it in the sunshine that greets me when I wake. I see it in the small tangible reminders like homemade signs. I hear it in music that brings a wave of peace over me. I see it everywhere. I see You.
